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Literature Text
Shall I compare you to an unspoilt beach,
your beauty surpasses even that.
In the summer time, hoardes of people soak in
the sun, happiness within reach.
People race to the water leaving half eaten food,
sunscreen and buckets on the mat.
But as the sun disappeared far out at sea,
and the sky grows cool and dark,
beachgoers rush home to a warm house and a hot tea.
The sand once trodden, now has no mark.
A winter rolls in, the water gets rough and white.
The only sign of life are a few lonely seagulls.
Icy water, stinging winds, grey skies - not a good
sight.
Dark skies, an empty beach, it's pretty dull.
But winter goes, summer will return
and so will the people.
The sun as bright as ever will burn,
as the people return in packs.
Like the beach in summer, you're full of life,
so beautiful, so calm and without strife.
your beauty surpasses even that.
In the summer time, hoardes of people soak in
the sun, happiness within reach.
People race to the water leaving half eaten food,
sunscreen and buckets on the mat.
But as the sun disappeared far out at sea,
and the sky grows cool and dark,
beachgoers rush home to a warm house and a hot tea.
The sand once trodden, now has no mark.
A winter rolls in, the water gets rough and white.
The only sign of life are a few lonely seagulls.
Icy water, stinging winds, grey skies - not a good
sight.
Dark skies, an empty beach, it's pretty dull.
But winter goes, summer will return
and so will the people.
The sun as bright as ever will burn,
as the people return in packs.
Like the beach in summer, you're full of life,
so beautiful, so calm and without strife.
A little poem I wrote
© 2012 - 2024 Darklight-phoenix
Comments8
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Overall Vision
Originality Technique ImpactThis is a sweet poem that follows a universal theme that we can all relate to, we all miss the summer sun on beaches! You have a good descriptors in "rough and white" and "stinging winds", very true and realistic. However, there are some phrases that let the poem down. "not a good sight" feels to colloquial and out of place in the poem, I feel like the stanza is better without it. The same with "it's pretty dull", it's a little too informal for the poem.
There's potentially an issue in "a hot tea". Though I'm British and similarly call my dinner "tea", others might be confused by "a hot tea" which is grammatically incorrect if you take it to mean the drink! Just a thought as it slightly stifles the line, I feel.
And I have to add the "life"/"strife" rhyme is a little over done now, it's definitely an easy go to word when looking for rhymes. I feel like it lets down the poem at a key moment, a different phrase here would, I feel, do wonders for the poem.
Despite these problems, it is a nice piece that uses imagery well, it forces the reader to feel warm and cold at the same time and yearn for summer. Well done. <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/s/s…" width="15" height="15" alt="
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